Just heard a joke

I am ill again, went to the doctor’s this morning, got antibiotics this time. Scottish climate has had no mercy on me, although the doctor said I am building up resistance and need time to acclimatise. How much longer? I’ve been living here for more than four years now!

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I was watching some tv to cheer myself up. Just heard this joke on an old episode of Mock the week:

Scotland has very low rating of mentally ill people. This is because you have to go that extra mile to be judgemental. “We didn’t realise he was a schizophrenic. We’ve always thought he was a bit of a character.”

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One of my favourite jokes I heard in Scotland about Scotland is the next one,  it made me laugh so hard!

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Asda with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Asda greeter said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,’ replied the greeter. ‘I just couldn’t believe someone would shag you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.’

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And just one more:

Two robbers broke into a lodging house in Glasgow. Once they were inside, a huge fight ensued. Bruised and bleeding, they finally emerged by the back window. ”We didnae do so bad,’ ‘said one. We came oot wi’ twenty pounds.” ”Aye” said the other, “But we went in wi’ fifty”



Perhaps these are just jokes, but what makes them even more funny is, I can imagine these situations could very likely have happened in reality.

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6 Responses to “Just heard a joke”

  1. Jackson81 Says:

    haha, i like them! :))))

    how about this one:
    Where does Virgin wool come from in Scotland ?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Ugly Sheep

  2. Jackson81 Says:

    i have some more 🙂

    Why do they call it a “kilt”?
    …..
    Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

    What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
    ….
    Shoes and socks.

  3. natty Says:

    A Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
    He drove by this one area and said, “Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English.”
    They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, “This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English.”
    Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
    About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, “My good man, didn’t the English win any battles around here?”
    The driver responded: “Not when I’m driving the bus.”

  4. scott Says:

    our Rabbie Burns’ night was not long ago!
    just to remind everyone. plus a joke!

    Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

    He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

    “Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”

    Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

    “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit.”

    The third starts rattling off as follows:

    “Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!”

    Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?

    “No,” replies the doctor, “It’s the Burns unit.”

  5. M. Beatty Says:

    In the old days the English and the Scottish fought by gathering their armies on top of hills and at dawn they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

    One morning there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting, a voice with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog: “Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen”.

    With this, the English general sent down 10 soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
    “Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman”.

    With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensued and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
    “Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman”.

    Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
    “Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman”.

    By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, “Don’t send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM”.

  6. WeAreScots Says:

    – Where do you come from? a Scotsman asked an American.
    – From the greatest country in the world, replied the American.
    – Funny, said the Scotsman, you’ve got the strangest Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.

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